Australia’s Most Dangerous, 2013
The biggest heros and the biggest zeros of 2013
By Ben Tua aka Ben Feirce
Here is the complete, unedited, unvarnished list of the Most Dangerous, by Ben Tua. (Please direct all correspondence, fan mail, and claims of defamation to Ben Tua)
Last year I wrote an article, Australia’s Most Dangerous List. It would become the most popular piece I had ever written. I didn’t anticipate this silly article to be anything of merit. It was designed to be a laugh and poke fun at my bartending friends around the country! But when views started clocking into their thousands, I knew I had struck a cord of the upmost importance to the Australian people.
So what is this ‘Most Dangerous’ list?
The most dangerous list is a list that honors those people in our industry who you should probably never hangout past 8’0clock on a causal weeknight drinking, or in some cases… ever! Not if you like to recognize the places you wake up in that is! Not if you have any form of respect for your body! Now I don’t mean to portray these guys in a negative sense, quite contrariety in fact. You see, it’s also these crazy nut jobs who fundamentally make our industry special and are walking proof of what it means to be a rockstar bartender. Some say they are not of this Earth. Some say they are more than just mere mortals! They are indeed the legends of our industry, some of these guys havn’t even won a single cocktail comp, yet they are fiercly respected by all who are honored enough to behold their presence. To be ranked highly on this list is of thee highest honer one could ever hope to achieve.
However… This list is a doubled edge sword. It also identifies all the pansies in our industry. People who have not being pulling their wieght in the emptying the glasses department, either by themselves, or passing drinks to others to get those glasses emptied!All these people have been weight against one other. Not the genral public. The general publics danger rating is zero. So if you get a 7, It means you are 7 times more dangers and more likely to cause harm.
Tim Philips.Once famous for his outspokenness and notorious for his passionate/ drunken Mel Gibson styled rants via social media. We haven’t see too much off the Tim we know and love this year. No one has heard a word from this guy since he became the best bartender in the world. Best in the world? Well, he is pretty handy behind the bar you must admit. Tim is actually pretty humble about it and knowing him he wouldn’t talk much about it. Maybe that has something to do with the contract he was made to sign with World Class stating he will behave himself until they release him. I hear it’s runs out soon though. Stay tuned!?
(Sydney) Jason Williams. Sydney Williams is a stand out bar manger and human being. He puts a lot of effort and time into all the keystone bars he oversees and is always a pleasure to be around, an inspiration to rookie bartenders everywhere. You can hang out with him as much as you like and never fear a hang over. Ever.
Chris Hysted. Chris was a former Australian bartender of the year and headed up legendary bar Black Pearl Bar. What a guy! Now though… he sells vodka. Seriously. Wtf? God damn you Chris Hysted! You get a big fat zero!?
Greg Sanderson. “Oh man I have such a hangover from last night! We were partying till 6 in the morning, that Greg Sanderson really knows how to party” Said no one ever! This man is super safe to drink with. He gets one point for putting up with all the Unicorn harassment we all layout on him. Unicorn harassment of Greg Sanderson has been going for 3 years now and you know what? It never gets old. 🙂
Sebastian Reaburn. If you think you know something about drinks Seb will helpfully let you know you are in fact wrong and tell and he will enlighten you with the correct knowledge. He knows a lot a drinks thats for sure but a little bit less about drinking. For that he deserves a danger level of zero but he has recently quit his job selling vodka so he gets one point from the jury.
David Spanton. Hate him or love him he has without a doubt made the Australian Bar Industry what it is today and he’s also good at making bar show tickets fricken expensive!
Australian Bartender Magazine inspired me to become a the bartender I am today and I loved his editors notes in his magazine this year and saying the things that needed to be said. Respect. You get an extra point this year. But you’re still a lightweight.
Barry Chalmers. Yea Bazza goes ok. Yknow he probably deserves a 6 or maybe 7 but the thing you need to remember is Barry is Scottish. He for a Scottish man of his age and caliber should be abel to drink twice and be twice the man! Seriously he might just be the softest Scot I’ve ever met. I would go hang out with Barry without a second thought! Which is exactly my point.
Sebastien DerbomezBrand Ambassador for Hendricks. Invites bartenders around Australia to Party with him. Can’t keep up. Fail.
David Beatty.David is a total boss. He can keep up with the best no problems. However he sells vodka (Do you see a pattern here?!) If he’s got no one from Diageo around he can be pretty dangerous otherwise it’s… Vodka lime sodas anyone?
Nick Reed.A little bit hard, but, not really. Opening a new bar in Geelong soon! Dresses like a Homosexual. Nick Reed won’t get you drunk but you will have a good time trying.
Geraint Gee David.Does anyone know what this guy does for a job? Me either. Does anyone know where he from? like, Norway? Right? Brand ambassador for Cafe Patron?! You sir are a 4!?
Jason Crawley. This man is a legend! And just like most legends they are from a time long long ago. They are fucken old. Crawley plays it smart, he’s been there before, he knows the deal and plans well ahead, there’s is only so much his frail old man bones can take. Now he’s more into Sugar then the hard stuff. Always the one to do the disappearing act on a night out with the boys. Luckily he has Howarth around to give him some sort of danger street cred.
James Connolly. Perhaps England’s greatest gift to Australia? This man has been in Perth for many years now but still drinks like a Chav. Hard and fast and then out for the count. However this year he’s picked up his game. Hosted a cocktail comp at his bar then drank too much and ran down the street never to return. Leaving everyone in his bar. Top effort!
Marco Nunes. Who knows what this man is saying? He stayed at my place once and I still can’t remember a single conversation I’ve had with him. He’s French but he does not surrender. He likes to dress like a gangster but is actually a really down to Earth human.
Simon McGoram. I wrote this man off last year as nothing more than a dorky bartender. Well whats changed? He’s still a dork but I must admit he’s really pulled his head in since I called him out. At last years bar week, every time he was out past 4 he let me know about it. “See I’m more than a 2!”. Point noted well done. Nerd alert!
John Gakuru. This man Started at bartending at TGI Fridays… 5 points!
Rossco Charman.Rossco can be dangerous. Key words ‘Can Be’. Although his main job these days is to get bartenders together and get them drunk. I question weather it’s Rossco getting them drunk or is it just the standard phenomenon of what happens anything bartenders are thrown in a room together with cheap/ free drinks? My reason for this thinking is Rossco is an event manager. He run’s them pretty gosh darn good too. So he needs to keep his wits about himself which in turn limits his danger. He also is always stuck with the pack up duties after the event which means he wont be around for an hour or so to really do serious damage. Props should go to him however for flooding Phil Webbers tacos with and entire bottle of hot sauce while he wasn’t looking. Well played sir.
Philip Gandevia. Phil is an obsessive cocktail geek… or is he? Tired of all the grief from his bartender mates Phil has now become “Dark Philip Gandevia” just like the in batman the Dark Knight. How a goodie comes somewhat… badder. I don’t know if any of this stuff I just made about him is true or not but I just saw his beard. What a Beard. 6 points to you sir!
Mike Enright.Apparently this mans first language is English. Give him a few and you’d swear he was Dutch, or something? He runs the Barber Shop Bar and no longer has to skip to the beat of the Merivale drum which makes him even more dangerous. Any of these old skool boys can bring it to the table and Mike is no exception. Jason Crawley can’t though.
Cam Northway.I’m sorry but I had to use this photo. Are you really taking a selfie in a bathroom?! Cam runs things at Sweet N’ Chili. Despite his photo taking skills he’s hard working and a quality drinker.
Underestimating this man maybe your downfall. He isn’t just another robot representing the big brands. If you challenge him, he will bring the ruckas.?
The Cecil Crew.These guys have turned their house into a bar called Cecil. The house is smack bang in the centre of Northbridge/ Perth. Cecil is always the place one ends up after a night out. It’s the second home to the local Perth hospitality and they are regularly going over and causing a rackus. Any fun night spent at Cecil = a terribly bad morning. Swings and Roundabouts?
Merlin Jerebine.Super hyperactive, boarderling mad,This man has WWJTD (What would Jerry Thomas Do?) tattoos on his arm. Enough said.
Alan RaythornIm not sure if this man is ADD or if it’s his Irishness or if he’s just retarted but this guy is dangerous (It’s gotta be the Irish thing. Recently taken up the stick at EDV Melbourne after a 2 year stint in Auckland he is the saving grace of Greg Sandersons reputation. With him on board EDV’s danger rating raises to at lest acceptable.
Krystal Hart. Australia’s most dangerous female. This girl can party. She can keep up with any guy and then some. Her energy is contagious. You went out for a late lunch at 3pm and now it’s 3am, shit. Being a drunken mess is not dangerous. When someone gets written off, everyone else has to stop having fun and take care of that person. This list celebrates people who gets the party started and keeps it going. That is what this woman does. Cute, big blue eyes and bubbly character, you will never see it coming in a million years. Just like the Ewok’s, Cute and furry, yet it is the Ewok’s who put the nail in the Empire’s coffin. Krystal is an Ewok.
Sean Baxtor. Small, funny, charismatic, brilliant chat and full of anger. You won’t like him when he’s angry. He will fight you. That’s no Lie.
Rob Uldis Libecans.This man terrifies the bejessus out of me! The words, debourchery, mayhem and chaos don’t fly afar from the name Rob Libecans. Highly volatile and pretty much an awesome guy, times are good anytime he’s involved. However his arcillies heal is he is dedication to his better half. Pussy whipped. He will often leave early to go home. Damn shame really, he could of been great.
Eoghan O’Neill. Irishman Eoghan O’Neill tends bar down in the forgotten lands of South Australia. He is a bad bad man. Just like all Irish, very charming and charismatic but ones he’s had a Guinness too many things begin to change. He’s going down and taking everyone with him.
Paul Mant. A Gentleman indeed is Paul Mant. A relative new comer to the Australian scene. The jury is still out on his inner danger level. However, I have seen this man in action and am well aware of his manoeuvering capabilities. This man invented Rematch Beeyatch. He won’t take your pussy excuses for an answer when he swings a shot your way. You better man up or he will drop some heavy shit on your ass. Bo Selecta!
Martin Lange. This man is a maniac. He owns a Whisky bar in Brisbane and likes to travels around with bottles of Lagavulin 12… just for laybacks! He will wake up in the morning and smash some campari for breakfast. I hear he once burnt down his hotel room in a French Chateau while representing Australia at a cocktail competition. He and the next three generations of his family are now banned from ever stepping foot on thee estate.
Jared Plummer. This guy suffers from ‘Super Nice Guy’ Syndrome. Probably one of the most genuine characters you would hope to meet. Or not hope to meet…I have partied with this guy all around the world and he is a absolute machine! This guy can go for days, weeks even, one night after another, machine I tells ya! He can drink more than a man 50kgs heavier can and still wake up at 7am, showered, shirts ironed, immaculately presented with no signs fatigue. Very dangerous.
If you don’t know this man you probably live under a rock or in SA. However he is a pretty shit barman, all he makes these days are disco drinks at his new bar Hello Sailor. The reason everyone knows him is because he’s dangerous. Cover your drinks when you are around Luke Redington and see if you can negotiate a safe word with him.
Mitch Kean (Aka Rummy Gilligan Lovebeard) I have seen this man take off all his clothes jump on a bartop and pour tequila all over his body. Mega friendly sober, super fun drunk. He very much enjoys interpretive dancing to ‘Seal’ Kiss from a rose and surprise kissing other men with his big ginger beard. I know I’ve feel victim on more than one occasion and proud to say I’m no ashamed I kiss a man, even if it was kinda rape.
Andy Penney. Ok now we are getting into some Dangerous territory. If you live in Sydney and do not have an acute fear of this man , chances are you’re already plastered and it’s Penneys work. He’s been around for a long time and knows all the tricks in the book and he’s not afraid to use them on unsuspecting prey. He’s cunning and he uses it to his advantage. If you have survived a night out with Andy Penney you deserve the Victoria cross.
Dylan Howarth.The most charismatic man in Australian bartending. Dylan plays it cool when master Crawley is around to keep him in line but if he escapes the eye of Crawley, Hell hath no fury! More of a danger to himself he still manages you drag you down with him. The last time I was out with him invovled the Paramedics and the time before that involved the police. Nuff said.
Mitch Ono Bushell. Mitch is a very smart individual. He’s also a very troubled and tourtured individual. He also has insane chat. He’s also an accomplished Je Jijitsu Fighter. He also likes to smash shots of Calle. Do you really want to be around someone like this when your out drinking. The short answer is no. Unless you want to see him kick someones ass.
Phil Gannon. Yet another Irishman. Do I really need to say anything here? A picture says a thousand words. Good lord just look at that damn picture!
Tim Wastell. The old bull of Australia bartending. Put your asses against the wall because this man will fuck you up! He is as intelligent as he his crazy and he is a whole lot of crazy. wether its bartending, service or his drinking, Tim Wastell accepts nothing but perfection. Quick wits, calculating and built like a brick shit house if he buys you a shot and you don’t want to take another he will give you a look… A very menacing look. That’s his warning. Just like animals in the wild you always get one warning before they attack. If his mere physical presence doesn’t scare you into drinking it he will either knock you out or use his intelligence to convince you that its ‘not’ a bad idea and in fact its the ‘only’ idea and your an idiot for ever thinking otherwise!
Anton Forte. Is one of the geniuses behind the swill house group. You know all those mental guys that work at Shady pines and Frankies? Anton trained them first had in mental. That’s no lie. He doesnt have to opey any mediocre rules or policeys that other bars might have, why? because he owns the damn place! He does what he wants! As you can tell.
Max Greco.So Max Greco yea? If being the insane Italian bartender from Eau De Vie wasn’t enough someone decided to give him his own bar and let him make all the rules! wtf?! Max always seems to be behind the bar. In fact the whole time I’ve knowen him I don’t think I’ve ever seen him not behind on, yet I’ve still managed to have crazy nights with him pretty much anytime I see him. He is an amazing host and makes sure everyone is looked after and by looked after I mean SHOTS!!!
Alen Nikolovski.The cray in cray cray? Alen is actually a beard that just so happens to have a man attached to it. He’s a big boy with a booming voice and a big penis. How do I know that? Sounds a bit gay I know but everyone knows that! The guys always always taking his clothes off! He loves tequila too. Can someone love Tequila too much? Alen doesn’t think so. It’s evident in the amount he feed’s you when you’re out with him. If you’re out with Alen. Make sure you’re not doing anything for a couple of days after. You will need the recovery time.
Melbourne Jason Williams. Melbourne Jason Williams is a bad bad man filled with pain. Don’t you know who he is? Well you bloody damn well find out! And fast! If you ever see Jason in Melbourne mode, scram! He will bring you down, down to Bourke St China town! He hunts unsuspecting rookie bartenders in any vicinity and goes for the kill! Relentless! He will grill the grill the passion out of your rookies in 12.5 seconds flat and if you accidentally intercept his attention while he’s in full flight the pain will be diverted onto you! “Who the F**K are you?!” “Don’t you know who I am!? “What’s your Specs?”
Phil Bayly. Phil was our number 1 most dangerous man last year. He’s not this year but do not let that deceive you! This man has an insane passion for tequila and Mezcal and he shares his passion in shot/ layback/ horn form with everybody ! And I mean Everybody! When this man’s in town everyone is going to have a good time guaranteed!
Jeremy Spencer. Owner of one of the best Gin Brands in the World. West Winds Gin. If Jez doesn’t like you, or something you done or said by god will yo hear about it! Jez has invented the “Brand Ambassador that misbehaves and swears at people on social media” movement (watch this space it’s going to become a thing) He behaves like he’s constantly on crack and a night out with him could end up from you getting really drunk too really drunk and waking up and your in a diffrent country. Who knows what will happen? Don’t ask him either, he for hell sure doesn’t know.
Australia’s most Dangerous!
Introducing Australia most dangerous! Holy mother of god. Can I get a tally of how many people have suffered under this man in the past 12 months? From all over the country and all over the world this man has been demolishing innocent people with a vengance. Me? Personally I Don’t even live in the same state as him and he’s delivered me 4 painful painful hangovers this year. When I was in Amsterdam bartenders we’re talking about some crazy Redhed Australian guy that ran in their bar and just started serving people! Nathan is the guy who will serve all his customers one night have such an epic party that he will past out on the bar top, then wake up the next day at 4pm and open the doors to the bar and serve again and light the fire again and again and again. He also wins the ‘Giving greg Sanderson shit’ award, thank you for keeping us all entertained and he also invented a fake nightclub the all of us fell in love with. Nathern Debrett is not to be reckoned with. Stay far away from him as you can. Don’t answer your phones when he calls. Move to Antarctica. That is my best advice to survive his wrath. Move to Antarctica. Gingers can’t survive in the cold.