Rant by Joe Worthington
Here, Joe Worthington sheds all hospitable pretence and lets loose on his least favourite customers.
“Expressing my opinion is not a terrorist action.” So go the immortal words whispered by Cat (Julia Stiles) in the incredibly hard hitting 10 Things I Hate About You, which, by the way is the film I’m currently watching due to it’s insightful hitting-nail-on-head of current economic issues.
Jokes, it’s Heath Ledger appreciation day in the Joe household.
She’s totes right though: Isn’t it our right as overzealous, overeager, attention-starved creatures of the night to expel our opinions, not only about each other but also those loveable customers who buy our drinks with intent but also receive some under-informed drivel as a garnish?
Someone said to me last week, over the bar: “If I want your opinion, I’ll ask for it.” I’m sorry, what? Who the fuck are you, my Dad? I offered — in a bona fide charming way — you the chance to try an alternative to that yellow Mexican ale you insist on inhaling, not shave your hamster’s ball sack.
I didn’t want to write a generic piece on how we in the service industry get treated by a select few of those with ‘real’ jobs, but more so how arrogant and ignorant some of those people we work to serve actually are. Don’t get me wrong, most of my opinions or trains of thought are complete and utter world-class shit — but when I work, I aim to be the best and for someone with a haircut fresh out of a video from my grandfather’s porn collection to mock or show utter disdain makes me somewhat skeptical about their state of mind and my chosen profession.
Nah in actual fact, it’s those very beings that make me love my job. What in their ridiculous lives has gone so heinously wrong that they have to show such heinous behaviour?
So customer, in actual fact here’s 10 things I hate about you:
- When you purchase your drink by dumping change on the bar after not saying please or thank you. Manners cost less than that, pile of shit you.
- When you ask what’s on tap, and there clearly isn’t a tap beer on offer? Water, you prick.
- When you offer your opinion on what we SHOULD stock after telling me to practically eat a bag of dicks over my completely professional opinion.
- If you ever click your fingers at me again I will do to you what old mate did to Theon Greyjoy in Game of Thrones.
- “Oh yeah and a Guinness.” Ordering that at the end of your round — you inconsiderate balloon.
- Asking me for a surprise. Seriously? You wanna go there?
- Demanding four free shots of Jagermeister because it’s your birthday! Whatever love, tell that to the external stocktaker dude that ruins my life.
- Approaching women or men who absolutely want nothing to do with you. Have a wash.
- Asking to charge your phone and NOT bringing your own charger. Yeah, yeah, we all know the highs and lows of the iPhone but soz, my phone is already charging as I too desperately wanna get laid at the end of the night.
- Just smile, will ya. I’ll probably give you a drink for not being a —-.
But hey, this is just my opinion, which is utterly futile of course. If I had the money to own a chain of bars they would most definitely all be named The Heath, or The Ledger and consist of cocktails called Lord of Grogtown, Brokeback Fountain or The Dark Rum Knight. All patented by the way so don’t even try it.