The Explainer: Charlie Lehmann’s guide to an outstanding outhouse

Your porcelain palace is just as important as what you pour, writes Charlie Lehmann

The corner stone of any great bar is the bar team, the atmosphere, a rotovap and of course, the toilets. A good dunny will make or break your guests’ experience. Here we will explore what makes an outstanding outhouse to complement the cracking service you are already providing across your three feet of bar.

There are four major conditions to make the visit to the loo an unforgettable experience unlike that third shot of cognac that you’ve done and the hangover in the morning will be the only lingering memory you have.

The very first and most obvious condition for a fantastic shitter is you gotta make sure the joint don’t stink. I believe Stephen Hawking, may he rest in peace, said that having a good smelling toilet is a universal pillar of civilisation.

Storming into a toilet after some heathen has dropped a huge deuce and being belted in the face with the stench is never a nice experience and it is part of our duty to limit the bog-stench as much as we can. Throwing down a couple of those urinal cakes or a pithy attempt at an arrangement of flowers in the corner ain’t going to cut it. You need to go balls to the wall when it comes to fighting the stink that has escaped some human. That means doubling down on a curated scent in those Ambi Pur air freshners, and spritzing the joint at a constant rate so your guests think your joint is the shit (and doesn’t smell like shit).

Aside from smelling somewhat decent, the powder room needs to have an atmosphere that reflects the one that is bouncing around in the bar. If you have the ability to tune some music into the toot then it is highly recommended that you do so. Sitting on the toilet as Lemmy rages on about the Ace of Spades makes the transaction between the guest and the toilet that much more enjoyable.

Aesthetically the place needs to have something to look at. Too many times have we wandered in to do business and had to play on our phones or read the back of the scented candle and see what it’s made of (it’s wax, by the way). Your guest should be just as entertained by your toilet as they are by your bar. Whether that be a shit ton of graffiti, or some perfectly accrued art, your guest will have a more positive experience because of your toilets’ atmosphere.

No one likes to roll into the loo and have very little to no room to operate in. The poop depository needs to have some sort of legroom otherwise you’re not going to have a good time. Along with being able to stretch out and get comfortable a few hooks to hang you coat, hat and handbag goes a long way. Never underestimate the ability to be able to breakdance in your cubicle as it adds to an enjoyable experience.

Last but not least — and so very important — is to have a bit of damn privacy while you drop the kids off at school. Too many toilets have those flimsy, paper thin fibro looking walls that have gaps that make the grand canyon blush. Build your goddamn toilets with a bit of integrity. Three-foot concrete walls would be ideal as you make a deal with lavatory gods. Alas we all can’t be blessed with the ability to pour that much cash into the our restrooms, but we can damn well try make that place a sanctuary, and one we don’t need to share with prying eyes in the next cubicle.

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