Let me get straight to the point: the subject of this article is the art of both giving and receiving feedback and how it is our egos – as complex and personal as they are – that can affect the delivery and the outcome of this often-difficult practice. It is wired in everyone that we love to receive great feedback and we hate (or scoff at) negative feedback. It happens to everyone and no one is immune from it. But there are better, more effective ways to do both and it all stems from being grounded, remaining open, inviting in curiosity and above all, staying humble.
I’ve finished reading a very thought-provoking book called Ego Is The Enemy by Ryan Holiday for the third time. I recommend it to everyone. There’s a ton of profound and inspiring nuggets of wisdom contained within its pages, such as this gem:
“The art of taking feedback is such a crucial skill in life, particularly harsh and critical feedback. We not only need to take this harsh feedback, but actively solicit it, labor to seek out the negative precisely when our friends and family and brain are telling us that we’re doing great. The ego avoids such feedback at all costs. Ego blocks us from improving by telling us that we don’t need to improve. Then we wonder why we don’t get the results we want, why others are better and why their success is more lasting”.
Let that marinate for a minute.
The inspirations for this article came from a recent outing where I was invited to a ‘friends & family’ night of a new restaurant. On that evening, whenever a new dish or drink was placed in front of me, some member of staff would ask me what I thought (as they should on any given night, but especially when they’re testing out their product on the public for the first time).
I soon realized, however, that no matter what I said – whether positive or constructive – was really just being dismissed. Not that I was upset in the slightest at this. If you ask my opinion, I’m going to give it to you. So, you know what I did? I just shut up and realized that as a general rule: if you don’t really want someone’s feedback or you’re not ready to hear some hard truths that you might disagree with, then don’t ask in the first place.
“When receiving feedback, any feedback, this is how it should transpire (at least, this is how I do it). First of all, say thank you. Nothing is more gracious than showing someone that you’re grateful for their comments, good or bad.”
My goal with any of my venues is to always be ‘best in class’ and that only comes from listening and learning from what others have to say. To me, everyone’s opinion matters. I’m not saying you have to agree with these opinions, but you should at least listen as you never know what little piece of wisdom might arise from someone offering up their own advice. If you’re not listening to others, it’s because your ego is standing in the way and what could be an enlightening moment is now gone. Step back, ask questions, be curious and then act (if it’s actually needed).
When receiving feedback, any feedback, this is how it should transpire (at least, this is how I do it). First of all, say thank you. Nothing is more gracious than showing someone that you’re grateful for their comments, good or bad. It takes a lot of courage and humility to perform this small act and yet it sends a huge message as to the kind of person you are and perhaps whether the person giving the feedback might want to come back to your venue again. If looked at through the right lens – a lens of humility – this person is giving you an opportunity to be better. Embrace that. Don’t let your ego push it away.
No one wants to hear they suck. I get it. I don’t either. Truth is that most venues (and bartenders) think they’re better than they actually are. I’ve certainly been guilty of that but hopefully we all grown and learn. And there are many reasons for that: friends tell you that you’re amazing, social media praises you, the (unnecessary) importance placed on awards and mostly, you guessed it, your ego. Ask yourself, why is my venue excellent? Why do I think I’m doing such an amazing job? Truth is, if you can’t handle criticism, you’re in the wrong industry. Get over it or you’ll never grow or improve and isn’t that the whole point? Well, at least it is for me.